Day Three: Inner Peace. Inner Peace. Inner Peace.

I’m on Day Three. Fingers crossed.

Side-note: Intro to Thesis is 50% done. I have 10 days before my supervisor blows a fuse because I’ve missed my long overdue deadline.

“I know that I know nothing” – Plato

I walked into a church today. I went because I needed peace. I heard some news today that made me want to.

I grew up Catholic. I was raised Catholic. I had religion coming out of my every orifice – figuratively. I went to a Convent and had religion denominate the beginning, middle and end of my school day. Suffice to say that when I left school I vowed to become Agnostic (I was also very young and impressionable, and the boyfriend at that time was Agnostic, so I felt that this was a Liberal and cool path to follow). Problem is, it’s kinda tough to be Agnostic when your love for music comes from hymns, and you appeal to God at least once or twice a day!

Religion is a topic of much controversy. I have had many arguments, mostly with my mother, on WHY I need to go to Church and why I need to immerse my children in religion. Apart from that I have also detested the Catholic church’s rigid and regulatory system; I have questioned why I need to confess my sins to an older man, when I can directly confess them to God, the list is endless. At times like this, when I have vociferously declared my issues against the Catholic church (pedophilia and financial abuse included), I have had many a friend invite me to his/her church; where worship is more open and more transparent and celibacy (lets face it, its an epic failure) does not exist. At times like this, and I cannot explain why, I have become increasingly uncomfortable. Later I have told myself, no I’ll stick with the Catholic church – thankyouverymuch.

I have no explanation for this. Neither is this part of some larger existential solution, where I’m going to preach here.

Religion to me is a very personal experience. It is a collection of very intimate experiences that, in my opinion, I cannot publicly declare. It is raw and it is something that gives me a lot of inner peace because it helps me constantly account for myself and my actions.

I have had many interesting discussions with a close friend of mine, who is a student of Divinity, and who’s studied intimately most of the ‘popular’ religions of the world. In light of these discussions, and my own personal thoughts, it has become clear to me that religion = solace. The interpretation of religion is reflected in its practices, but whatever the philosophy is, its ethos and core values remain the same. At the end of the day the function of any philosophical/theological belief system is that of accountability. If someone doesn’t hold us accountable for our actions, then are we not accountable for our sins? An extension of religion in many secular societies is the evolution of the justice or legal system: for example Ranjan did a bad thing, he’s going through shit for that now.

I suppose it was easier to create ‘divine’ entities who would punish us existentially, if we don’t comply. The need for solace has been misinterpreted and used as a tool for power and control, for the longest time. You only have to look at Roman Catholicism and former Paganism to identify the maddening similarities.

The problem is that society gets caught up in the pomp and pageantry of institutionalized religion, that we forget why religion exists.

Religion = solace.

I have no shame in admitting that I have turned to religion lately. Not that I was akin to the lost son, or the lost sheep. I have been religious but in the past few months as I discovered more truths about myself (refer this post). I discovered that I needed solace; which I found. In this process I am adamantly refusing to adopt a holier-than-thou attitude and shove my beliefs down another’s throat. No. I find solace in being accountable for myself and the things that I do. Praying is talking out loud, or writing out loud – like this. It is unraveling the thoughts that have gone through you, and the actions that you have committed. It is exploring the reasons why you have done these things, and understanding them. It doesn’t mean, at least to me, that you take stringent steps to better your life and/or change it. It is a process of awareness, and I’ve found that this awareness does gradually bring about change. And the keyword here is gradual.

If we look at the Bible, the New Testament specifically, one of the most flagrantly obvious things the Jesus preaches is that we are all sinners and accepting our sins is the best way to enter the kingdom of God. That’s what I believe is the essence of Christianity; accepting you’re a sinner and understanding that your standing as a person of imperfection does not give you the authority or ability to judge a fellow sinner. All you can do is accept, acknowledge and gradually forgive yourself. This, I strongly believe, will lead to a process of enlightenment for you and then an adoption of better behavior – not immediately, but gradually. Isn’t this what maturity and growth is about? Isn’t this was the Renaissance was built on?

To quote Elizabeth Gilbert, “Eat. Pray. Love”. That encompasses a healthy ethos – to me, anyway. Striving to be a decent human being can only come organically. It cannot be a process that is forced upon you by a man, religion or legal system. Yes, Jesus, Christianity and the Law of Sri Lanka affect what I can and cannot do, to a great extent. But the moment I take a step back and reflect on why I am who I am, and why I do the things I do… that ‘trip’ creates a much better Shannon that the Shannon who is forced to blindly follow dictums that mean little to me…because inner peace can only come from knowing that I really know nothing.

Who is a Teacher?

Honestly as I ask this rhetorical question, I wonder who a Teacher really is. So much pressure is placed on Teachers today, because parents are more involved in their kids’ lives and have so many expectations.

So, who is the Teacher? There’s a saying, “Those who can’t do, teach”. Honestly that’s bullshit.  Teachers can do, and they do. The real question is why does a Teacher teach?

I’m following this interesting thread on Facebook of a friend of mine, who’s had a bad experience at a Parent-Teacher meeting today. Of course, the Teacher’s comments were ill-suited but everyone who’s commenting on that thread is blaming the Teacher! When did people start blaming the Teacher?!!?! In my day (not too long ago!) if I complained to my mother about my Teacher, my mother blamed me – there was something wrong with me, not the Teacher. Now, everything is the Teacher’s fault and the Teacher is to blame. Why? Because parents are paying good money for their kids’ education? Everyone pays good money, it’s all relative – whether you’re going to a Government School, A Semi-Government School or an International School (donations are massive, school fees are ginormous, tuition fees, travel costs, Smiggle and other accessories…the list is endless let’s face it you can’t boil it down to where your child schools – everyone spends, in their own way within their own budgets, on their own kids).

You know, a Teacher does not see the child at home. Children have different facades; different faces they show their Teachers and their parents…and that’s ok. While a mother knows a child best, there’s an angle to that child that a parent will not (perhaps never) know of. I’ve had many incidents in the recent past where parents are flabbergasted at the behaviour of the child in school, because surely my innocent son/daughter cannot and would not do this! This crisis is another ‘hard place’ because while it is painful to the parent (who mostly rejects the Teacher’s insight), it’s also painful to the Teacher. Honestly most Teachers would rather avoid complaining to a parent nowadays, because having to deal with the aftershock and random floating flotsam and jetsam, kinda sucks.

Then there’s the bone of contention concerning Knowledge; the parent and child are more educated that the Teacher. The advent of technology has been a real pain-in-the-butt for a Teacher, let me tell you that. If you’re not a person who’s willing to accept flaws and swallow that pill of Pride, then teaching becomes a tough profession. Everyone’s got a degree, and everyone knows how his/her child should be taught! Then is the Teacher obsolete? Is the tuition Teacher better? More knowledgeable? I am both, and my knowledge base is shared with everyone yet I am questioned too *roll eyes*

Here are a few flip-side scenarios to consider:

•  A Teacher is a person: Teachers have feelings too, everyone deserves tact when dealing with each other
• Often Teachers are not driven by a burning passion to teach a bunch of hormonal teenagers with tonnes of attitude, but they do it anyway – it’s your child multiplied by 20, or 30 or sometimes 40!
• A good and great Teacher has the power to move mountains – I can speak from experience. I had one or two amazing Teachers, each with her own flaws but those were outshone by levelheadedness and practicality. Those women were my role models and motivated me to find my calling as a Teacher.
• All Teachers have the potential to be great Teachers…but our educational systems do not allow this, additionally practicalities of life such as economic necessities prevent this – so what to do ah?
• Children are a pain. I have two of my own and I deal with many daily, they can be a pain. Of course you can love these pains fiercely and fight for them with all your might, and struggle and strive for their benefit – but let’s face it, they’re not all angels.
• Sometimes patience is appreciated, from everyone.

As a parent I understand the worries that can be faced too. My son had a bad experience at his first ever school and that set him a little behind. I blame myself for not identifying this sooner, so fussy mums – I get you too. I’m not saying parents are to blame, because they’re aren’t the only issue. These are the flesh and blood manifestation of all your hopes and dreams, they’ve got to achieve everything you couldn’t, you’ve got to give them all the opportunities you didn’t have – right? Let’s not bring money into this, because as I’ve said money is a fluid matter depending on your socio-economic scenario.

The issue I feel is the barrage of knowledge and the pressure on everyone to learn! Yet we forget how to learn; we forget the joy of trial and error; the wonder of discovery when it’s been ‘discovered’ by you for the first time! I didn’t utilise many of the opportunities I was presented with till I finished my O Levels. My bone of contention with my mother, my school (and life in general) was that I had to learn in Sinhalese and that was hard enough. I became learned a lot later and funnily it was because I stopped everything I was doing and studied, by myself! I was smart, because I read. That’s it. I was not science-y, I wasn’t mathematically inclined. I regret these things now, but is it fair to project this onto my 5 year old and my 3 year old? For me to hound their Teachers and ask them to please broaden their mathematical knowledge because I have a BA and the Teacher only has a Diploma?!? I don’t know.

Schools and education are really overrated, because honestly we take so little from our academic knowledge into the real world. What we do remember are the social experiences that we’ve had…isn’t that enough? To have a good time? To laugh, play and enjoy childhood? School-goers are children too…do they deserve this? If a child can get by in the world, and live a happy and fulfilling life isn’t that enough? Some of the most educated kids in the best universities commit suicide, because they’re emotionally stunted; they’re unable to perform basic functions on their own – they’ve been busy book learners. Is that the projected trajectory of my children??! Success juxtaposed with emptiness??

All I do know is that everyone needs to be open minded. If we can be liberal about new methods of learning and technology, we can be broad minded about people too. We can accept the trials and tribulations of every villager necessary to raise our kids (because it takes a village to raise a child – in case you missed that cliche) and help each person along the way. A little help can go a long long way, not only for your child but for everyone.

Also, our education systems need to be revamped, but with all that marching on the streets nowadays let me leave that can unopened…for now 🙂

Let’s talk about Sex.

“Joy does not mean riotous glee, but it does mean the purposive employment of energy in a self-chosen enterprise. It does mean pride and confidence … To be emancipated from helplessness and need and walk freely upon the earth: that is your birthright. To refuse hobbles and deformity and possession of your body and glory in its power, accepting its own laws of loveliness. To have something to desire, something to make, something to achieve, and at last something genuine to give. To be free from guilt and shame and the tireless self-discipline of women. To stop pretending and dissembling, cajoling and manipulating, and begin to control and sympathize. To claim the masculine virtues of magnanimity and generosity and courage” – Germaine Greer

I stumbled across this quote recently and it resonated with me. The little I know of Germaine Greer is due to the Lovely Ladies at the English Department, of the University of Colombo. The glimmer of Greer was enough to hook me, and soon I was a fan. I attended some of her discussions when she came to the Lit Fest a few years ago and my mind was sufficiently blown.

Greer advocates, in her book ‘The Female Eunuch’, that women in the 1970s had no sexual freedom. Perhaps the West has now overcome these obstacles, but Sri Lanka definitely hasn’t. If one is to talk about Sex, at any point with any one, undoubtedly brings about simpering, giggling or a swift change of the subject. If it’s a man however he may become coarse or uncomfortable. There are those gossipmongers who love to hear of another’s sex life, and lap up these details greedily…only to regurgitate them later with some other sex-starved individual.

I realise that me writing about Sex is something that my mother will perhaps call me about and ask why have I done this; my husband may roll his eyes; I may get ribbed by a few male friends, while my femme fatale friends, who agree but aren’t as vociferous or shameless, will chalk it up to me-being-me… 🙂

What’s wrong with Sex? Isn’t it a perfectly natural act?  Why are we ashamed of it? Why is it taboo? Why is it a secret? Why is there little or no public information available about this? Why are schools so extremely inept at providing children with proper sex ed?

As you may have, intelligently, deduced I have no issues with Sex. I never have. Now that I think about it, I wonder why. I’ve never placed much on the concept of virginity, strange given my convent upbringing. I do not, honestly understand what the fuss is all about. Is it because you have to be naked? Is it because you have to enjoy being naked? Is it because porn has made the act of sex so ‘dirty’?

I work with a very interesting lady who’s been sharing with me her recent experiences in teaching teenagers about Sex. Through her I’ve come to realise that kids nowadays know (albeit much more than my generation did) very little about Sex. It’s all cloak and dagger; secretly obtained information that they’ve picked up from a website or something. No wonder children make such stupid decisions nowadays and start sharing nudes among themselves. Sex should not be taboo. Sex should be normalised. If it is normalised then we won’t have as many abortions, as many teenage pregnancies, as many STDs.

I love the work Hans Billimoria does with Grassrooted. I wish there were more people brave enough to speak out about these issues. Sri Lankans still wear the Victorian cloak of shame the colonisers imposed on us. When do we shed it?

The reason I love Greer’s attitude is that she’s not ashamed to proclaim out loud, at a time when proclaiming out loud wasn’t as popular, that she likes Sex. I see nothing wrong with this. I mean, none of us would exist if not for Sex. I like Sex too. Now go ahead and judge me. I don’t see anything wrong with this statement. Perhaps I need to be burned at the stake, for not being a good little convent educated Sri Lankan girl. Yet this is the truth. I am not shy to boldy talk of these things with my friends, or even with colleagues. I constantly advocate that wives should have more Sex. When Sex comes up with my students I tell them plainly that personally I see nothing wrong with Sex; should one decide to engage in Sexual activities kindly do your research. Sex is fun, if you know what you’re doing. I advocate being mature and making mature decisions, if you’re going to have Sex. A good friend once told me that she was going to the Family Planning Clinic because she was too shy to ask her mother, and she felt she didn’t know enough to have Sex without arming herself with the right information – that is maturity. It’s like learning a new language, or arming yourself with any new skill – it’s something you need to read about, inform yourself on before taking the plunge.

I feel sorry for parents, mine included. I was never given a ‘birds and the bees’ talk. Instead my mother kept pressing me to get married soon, and ‘stop this other nonsense’. Of course at that time my relationship with my mother hadn’t matured to the point where we discussed my sex life, but lately we’re on better footing. I think any child should hear about Sex from his/her parents. Today we’re besieged by so many kinds of sexual predators a child needs to know what Sex is and know that being forced into it is not cool. This is my greatest fear as a parent. That some pervert will abuse my children before they’re old enough for me to talk to them about Sex. This is very real and very frightening to me.

We need to change the way people respond to Sex. It is not taboo. If it were, the porn industry wouldn’t boom as it does now. Sex needs to be so normalised that parents talk about it with their kids, as an essential part of kids’ safety. Children need to know the importance of appreciating their bodies and knowing what their bodies are capable of. In this context, the once radical ideas of Greer are still important because at the end of the day, women need to accept Sex as something that’s not only for procreation. Women need to be liberated from themselves.

“Women have somehow been separated from their libido, from their faculty of desire, from their sexuality. They’ve become suspicious about it. Like beasts, for example, who are castrated in farming in order to serve their master’s ulterior motives—to be fattened or made docile—women have been cut off from their capacity for action. It’s a process that sacrifices vigor for delicacy and succulence, and one that’s got to be changed.”  – Germaine Greer 

“Ye without sin cast the first stone” – Nadiya and Natalie on The Amazing Race

I write this blog, at midnight on a week night when i should be asleep, in response to the overwhelming hatred and viscousness expressed in the comments of this video on YouTube. I am so enraged that my urge to respond heeded not my husband’s request to please calm down and go to sleep.

I have known the Anderson twins since I was four years old. They have been, and still are, two of my closest friends. They come from a ‘privileged’ background and are like most of us from the middle and upper-middle class. Nadi and Natalie have lived 25% of their lives in the USA. They are American citizens and received both their secondary and tertiary education there. Yet the irony is that they continue to address themselves as ‘Sri Lankans’. They have more national pride than most Sri Lankans I know (who ironically burst with pride and patriotism whenever cricket is in season, otherwise we spend most of our time dissing this country). The irony is that EVERY single thing they talk about in the YouTube clip is true. They are ugly truths we have experienced in this country. So why are we all being hypocrites?!

1. Premasiri coming to them when he was 14 – are you telling me that your parents or grandparents did not have a domestic who was a child? This was common in our country before the advent of the NCP Act (National Child Protection Act, for idiots who don’t know). Moreover, this phenomenon is SO commonplace that Sri Lankan authors refer to it in countless works of fiction (Romesh Gunasekara’s ‘Reef’. Chitra Fernando’s ‘Action Reaction’). There are also worse crimes committed to children in our country that no one else has highlighted. Why not channel some of your outrage towards doing away with child prostitution?

Right now Premasiri is treated extremely well. Nadi and Natalie are so fond of him, and treat him as equals (he is essentially a part of their family). so much so that when they were here they took him and his son to watch the Cricket World Cup with them. How many of us have done that? Don’t we just leave drivers to rot in the vehicle while we go out?

2. Servants/Domestics/Helpers – we all have them. So what’s the problem? The domestics in the Anderson house in Dehiwala are treated extremely well.. As a child at birthday parties I know that friends have been ignored so that the twins could give the choicest pieces of cake to the domestics in their household. Although my friends may be ‘privileged’ their hearts and heads are in the right place. I know that I am sometimes not as nice to my domestics as these twins are. They have no issue with class or social status, to them everyone is the same. This is more that can be said for most people in our country, and i don’t have to highlight this as an issue to show that it’s true. Sri Lanka earns most of its foreign currency from women who travel to the Middle East to work, no slave, in others’ homes because salaries in this country are insufficient. The twins only error was referring to their helpers as ‘servants’. I think if you weren’t so quick to judge, you’d grant them that one error.

3. Being ‘privileged’ – Most of us who live in Colombo, have gone to ‘Colombo schools’ and are as fluent in English as we are in Sinhalese. Most of the time we identify more with the Western world than with our cultural roots. So what’s the problem? Just because these two girls identified themselves as such?! Right now we poke fun of people who speak ‘broken English’ and wear skirts with long plaits. Don’t deny it. You know you do. You know that if push comes to a shove, you will not be able to mingle with kids who have just graduated from the University of Colombo, or Kelaniya or Ruhuna. I know because I graduated from UoC. And I had a hard time interacting with my classmates. I am deeply ashamed of this, and not a day goes by that i don’t wish i could rectify it. But this is the ugly truth. Most of you on Facebook boast alumni status from a myriad of foreign universities and you DARE to poke fun at these two girls?! What hypocrites. When Sandy struck the East Coast those of you who went to university there for 4 years worried about your ‘second home’. Nadi and Natalie have been in Sri Lanka for less than you, but they do ALL they can to let the world know they’re Sri Lankan. Maybe they’ve not got it right, but they sure as hell are better than the rest of the pretentious people out there.

Right now I am too angry to be rational, to be logical. I just want to lash out against all those awful awful people who, like the twins, said shit without thinking. That happens you know, sometimes we say things without running it through the sensible part of our brains. I hope that’s what happened to everyone who said insensitive, judgemental things about two of the most genuine, caring, generous and selfless people I know. These are friends who, though they left Sri Lanka at age 10, never fail to call me once they come down on holiday. We have NOTHING in common. Yet we always have the best times. When my son was born they came to my house, although they were in the country for just 2 weeks, and helped me change nappies and clean poop. That’s how much love they have to give. They buy gifts for everyone, Premaisiri and his kids.

All i ask is to please, think before you sling mud. It is an awful awful habit ingrained in us by god knows whom. Try to rise above, try to be the bigger person and think before you judge.

Who’s to blame, really?

This afternoon I happened to glance at yesterday’s newspaper (yes, bit late), and I saw this article on the death of an 11 month, due to suffocation caused by a Groundnut (wtf is a Groundnut??!)  Read it here. Immediately my heart went out to the mother of the child. I cannot comprehend what she is going through right now and I pray that she may find peace.

In this judgmental, backward and narrow minded society I bet everyone She knows has blamed Her for the child’s death. “How could she be so careless?”, “What was she thinking, feeding him a groundnut?” – all these and more questions raised by men and women who don’t give a rat’s ass about Her (and are probably judging her silently as they placate her with their fake-ness) and how distressed She probably feels.

I’ve realized motherhood is such a volatile topic. Its controversial. ‘course its nothing like Sudanese politics, Genocide or LGBT rights. However it is a fundamentally mercurial topic. EVERYONE has an opinion; whether they’ve raised a kid or not. From your grandfather’s brother’s wife, to your cleaning lady’s daughter. It truly is frustrating. In this South Asian community, which I have had the fortune of being raised in, if anyone fucks up its obviously because they were raised wrong, “the mother is to blame so”, “aiyo what to do, the mother’s fault”. Honestly, I know some of these ‘fuck-ups’ and they have the nicest, most (for lack of a better word) ‘normal’, Ammies. They fucked up. Not their mums. (talking about where to place blame, is a yarn of wool to be disentangled on an entirely different post)

No one really considers the stress a mother goes through; “If my child eats this, will he choke?”, “if I let him play with dolls, what am I suggesting?”, “If he sucks his thumb, am I condemning him to a life of orthodontia?” (I write using the pronoun ‘him’ simply because I have a son, and these are constant thoughts that really, regularly don’t bother me – but peer pressure from everyone around me, makes me consider them. All. the. fucking. time) There are SO many decisions to be made. So many timelines to adhere to. Why do we even bother. ‘Motherhood’ is a messed up stereotype, one that Sri Lankan society fuels with its hackneyed, Victorian, primitive beliefs.

This evening I was feeding my son his dinner of fish and potatoes, and I caught myself being extra-careful; one must make sure that there are no fish bones, what if he chokes on it? I wanted to hit myself! This ALWAYS happens to me, where the intelligent side of me is bullied by my groveling, sniveling, bullshit-believing, irrational, overly sensitive and overly emotional subconscious. There’s nothing wrong with being overly careful, don’t get me wrong. Its just that I was being extra cautious because I had read that article; hence the urge to self flagellate.

This post has largely been cathartic, due to my anger at society’s treatment of mothers and reluctance to leave them alone. Constant bombardment of ‘friendly (but overly pointed) advice’ is a menace. I wish everyone would shut up. It’s my kid, my mess. Let me deal with it. No one in this country understands that each child, like every adult (that this child will eventually grow up to be), is different. We live in a multi-cultural, multi-ethnic, multi-lingual community and that concept’s not fully been digested (who am I kidding, we fought a fucking 3 decade war because we don’t like ‘multi’ anything). My son is 1 year and 1 month. He has only two teeth. Evidently this is a problem to many, but not to me. He also isn’t walking yet. This too doesn’t bother me. He is loud, naughty, expressive and can sort shapes in a shape sorter. Teeth will come.

There is hope. Some of my friends with kids are strong individuals, unlike me, who fight the convention and do what they want (much to the horror of the rest of society). These women give me strength and hope. I only wish that the poor mother of Kaveesha Anupama, finds some solace and resolution, one that does not lead to her suicide, or rushing into another pregnancy and overcompensating to feed her guilt. Dear Lord, please give her some strength.

Its called a rut, and I’m in it

I can say, without any fear, that I am content.

I have my work, my car, my house, my husband and my baby. I really couldn’t want for more (anyway, gluttony is a sin). Herein lies my problem. I’m so…satisfied (satiated?) that I do not want for anything else. So when I am accosted at family wedding number 1 and 4 a few weeks ago by aunties, who have nothing better to do, I have no choice but to concede and sit down for a chat. Of course the shortcomings of motherhood in general are aired (“must do this”, “you should give him that”, “Don’t let him do this”), and of course my weight. I’ve been fat all my life. I have heard “you are fat”/”you have put on weight” in  varied forms; some subtle and polite, others not so much.

This time it bugged me. Yes its been a year. My bra size has not shrunk and i can still wear my preggie clothes. On occasion i wear my mum’s clothes (if you know my mum, this will come as a surprise). Here’s the rut. The knowing and the wanting to do something. I want to have another baby. I want to lose weight. I want to be fit. I want to exercise. I want to go shopping and not let, ‘i’ll go later when i’ve lost some weight’, prevent me.

Here’s the rut. And here’s me looking out at everyone else out there and smiling, and waving, like a fool, cos i’m quite content down here. Blah.

Now that i’ve put out my negativity into the worldwide-web, maybe i’ll feel guilty enough to actually do something about it?

(And no, i’m not THAT obsessed with my weight and body that ALL my posts will be on my weight loss/gain progress)